to love tainted glory
by two sides one coin
Summary: "The heart was made to be broken, and some people learn that far too late." The elements of love weren't made to be overlooked. / drabble collection, for hpfc.
1. Cerulean

**Title: **Cerulean (1/4)

**Pairing: **Ravenclaw!JamesNarcissa

**Author: **Ella (ink teardrops)

**Notes:** This is, of course an AU, in which both James and Narcissa are sorted into Ravenclaw. It was written for the glorious Allie's Big Sis Lil' Sis Competition using the prompts "you chose to break my heart", Lover of the Light – Mumford & Sons and candle. The bolded words are purposeful, and correspond to the section they're in.

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"_And in the middle of the night I may watch you go, there'll be no value in the strength of walls that I have grown,"_ – Lover of the Light, Mumford & Sons.

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**i.**

Some nights, as his hazel eyes lie inches from yours, you remember how it happened.

You remember the hat shouting "_Ravenclaw!" _and you remember Bella's hiss and your parents' letter. You remember walking numbly up to your cerulean tower and you remember another boy with a heavy heart and disappointed, hazel eyes joining you in the common room. Most of all, you remember his airy voice when he said 'James'.

You remember reading books side by side and falling in love and kissing over parchment and you remember how his lips tasted of laughter and crisp **autumnal** **leaves**.

You remember how you were just another falling** leaf**, spiralling off-course and you remember how he caught you and showed you that there was more to life than just obeying your parent's orders.

Now, when you kiss him, it still tastes like **autumn** sunrises and mischief; his eyes are still the ever falling** leaves** of **green** and golden and **brown**, but he feels like something else.

He feels like your future.

**ii.**

One minute, you are lying in his arms in the flickering, **golden candlelight**, his heart beating out a steady thrum against your shoulder and he whispers something about how loving the one you hold is to live forever and you smile against his cheek and you dare him to.

Then, you make some offhand remark about the future and suddenly, his eyes fill with **molten** rage and** flames** and the candle casts distorted, elongated shadows across the walls and the inevitable fight occurs and it **rages** on until it is nearly dawn.

"Your parents don't approve of me - _fine," _he spits out, finally, "but I thought you were done being their puppet. We are _fucking_ over, Narcissa."

It is the middle of the night and he leaves you alone to curse the walls that you have built up around you; the walls his **fiery **words couldn't destroy – you know that if they had, you would be in his arms.

Instead, the shadows that the **candlelight** throw aren't any comfort – the **fire** of your broken love and burnt out passion isn't enough to **illuminate** the darkness anymore.

You are alone.

**iii.**

You are standing on the edge of the Astronomy tower and you are wondering whether the **air** will be enough to hold you up or if you'd simply **tumble** to the ground and you consider maybe trying but, _he_ is there, in the shadows.

"What are _you_ doing here?" you ask.

"I'm here for the same reason you're here – I'm wondering whether the **air** will carry me or if you'll be there to catch me," James replies, with a significant glance.

His words nearly knock you down. "No! You were the one who… You chose to break my heart!"

"Don't you fucking get it, Narcissa?" he says, suddenly angry. "I did do wrong but you… You built your tower long before my words grew to **flames**. You wouldn't let me in – don't you see it? I'd be yours if you'd be mine, call me yours and knock down those walls and I'd build you an eternal kingdom in my arms."

"Don't be ridiculous – you span me so high with your poetic whispers - you caught me and made me feel like forever _could_ exist and then you snatched it all away and the **air** wasn't strong enough."_  
_

"Maybe if you'd let me in, I could've-"

You cut across him.

"No! You expect me to** tumble **homewards, back to you with your promises of kingdoms that last forever but don't you know that there's no such thing as _forever?_ We are all destined to **fly** away so James – watch me **glide** away. Watch me leave _you_."

You turn to walk away and you swear you can feel your heart shattering.

**iv.**

You run from the tower and he finds you at the edge of the forest, his smile soft and his eyes shining, like the **sea **under the moon.

His words **flow** towards you, "Narcissa – I'm sorry, I shouldn't have left. I was frustrated, trying to knock down your turrets and I was rash and foolish and stupid but, I love you and I want to hold you again, I want to be with you Narcissa, please believe me, I'm sorry."

Your head is telling you to carry on running **downstream**, but you can feel your cerulean heart thumping out a hopeful beat.

The words **tumble** out of your lips like a **waterfall**, before you can stop them.

"Hold me," you whisper and you stumble towards him.

Then, he presses his lips to yours and you can feel his fiery kisses melting away your **icy** heart and your tower like a **torrent** of forgiven heartbreak.

"Forever," he replies, catching you in his arms and finally, you start believing in the word.


	2. Aureolin

**Title: **Aureolin (2/4)

**Pairing: **Hufflepuff!TeddyJames

**Author: **Cassie (our dancing days)

**Notes: **We have a whole trend-thing going on here, and hence, this drabble is also a semi AU - what if Teddy and James were sorted into Hufflepuff? This is my first drabble as the Big Sis of the relationship, and I used the prompts _Teddy/James, insanity _and _empty. _And now, we shall boldly go where none have gone before. Enjoy!

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"_I'm only a man with a silly red sheet, digging for kryptonite on this one way street." - _Superman, Boyce Avenue.

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**i.**

You have never had anything that was just yours; apart from the voices.

(And they whisper too loud.)

When you were younger, they were just murmurs - words, thrown at you like toothpicks and knives - but now they scramble and scream and claw at the inside of your head. Your bars are no longer strong enough to hold them.

"James," a little voice says.

You shake your head because your prison walls are too frail now; words are **earthquakes** and the walls will crumble down, and who will be left, James, who would save you then?

There is a hand on your cheek, pulling you back to **earth**; **grounding** you.

You look up and you see blue.

"Teddy," you chant, "Teddy, Teddy, Teddy."

Teddy's grip tightens and he pulls slightly at your yellow tie. The kiss he presses to your forehead feels like **home**. You decide he is not yet young enough to understand the world. "Hello, James."

"How long?" you ask as your vision clears and you are left on an unnatural **stone** floor, Teddy above you and a black and aureolin scarf wrapped around your neck. You blink and you wish you were dead. "How long was I out this time?"

"Two hours," he replies slowly, and he closes his eyes. He is empty where you are spilling over. (But that's a lie.) "You said that the voices asked if you could fly."

You are atop the Astronomy Tower, then, you reason. The **ground** doesn't seem that far away.

It's a long time before you whisper, "Could I?"

He shakes. "No."

**ii.**

Teddy finds you curled in front of the aureolin common room **fire**, resting your head against your knees. Your fingers are stretched towards the twisting **flames**.

"Can you dance, Ted?" you ask, and he ignores you. The **fire** laughs and you join in; the air is too empty, too cold.

"I don't understand," he says with hesitance, and this time, the **fire** cackles and **sparks**. How funny this boy is, you muse. How full of life, and how _dead. _"I don't understand how I can still love you, after everything. You're insane. _I _must beinsane."

"Hot potato, hot potato," you sing.

He breathes deeply. "Victoire asked me out, you know. And she's a year older than you. She's pretty and funny and intelligent-"

"_Hot potato," _you whisper.

"I can't do this anymore, James," he tells you solemnly, all wild amber eyes and pitiful hooded eyelids. The **fire** leaps and hisses. He stands and he leaves, and the door slamming shut. The **flames** **burn** red, and suddenly you hate them with a **burning** passion, because they have _no right _to be more Gryffindor than you.

The **fire** is out before you breathe again.

"Let it go before you burn yourself," you murmur and the voices scream, _HOT POTATO, HOT POTATO. _You don't want to bleed **fire** anymore.

**iii.**

When you stand on the top of the Astronomy tower, you feel like a superhero.

You stand there and you feel the **air** against your face; the emptiness caresses your fingertips and you think that your aureolin robe could be a red cape. You think that if you jumped, you would never hit the ground. Up, up here, you are invincible, Jamie boy. Invisible.

But even heroes have the right to bleed.

How naive you are, darling! How wonderfully and pitifully _oblivious _to how close the ground lurks, to how hot the fire burns, to how sharp the **wind** bites. The **air** is not a lover; and neither are you.

"Teddy," you whisper, and it echoes - the **wind** twists it until it sounds like _love _and _miss _and _hurt _and _**fly**__. _

The thing is, you don't trust your wings to catch you.

**iv.**

It is three years before you are alone together. Teddy and Victoire separated like Moses and the red **sea** - a lack of passion, she said; a lack of chemistry.

(You thought it was the lack of cock, but that is a whole other matter.)

"James." He nods at you, all formal brown hair and plain brown eyes and a smile like **liquid** nitrogen. "How are you?"

You smile back at him, omniscient and aware. You are not vacant. Those years were left at Hogwarts, along with dreams of flying; along with the burns on your hands. You have not been empty for a long time. "Quiet," you reply slowly.

He stumbles backwards, and clutches a doorframe to steady himself. _"James," _he whispers, and the name falls from his lips like a **waterfall**.

"It's me, Teddy."

Teddy chokes, and the **tears** spill over his eyes; it is a second before he loses control and his eyes slip back to aureolin, and his hair to **water**. This **tempest **has raged too long.

He is yours again.


	3. Harlequin

**Title: **Harlequin (3/4)

**Pairing: **Slytherin!Wolfstar

**Author:** Ella (ink teardrops)

**Notes: **And this is _another_ AU, what would have happened if Remus and Sirius were sorted into Slytherin and if they were both a tad more rebellious/twisted. The prompts used were Wolfstar, forgotten and grief and as always, I hope you all enjoy!

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_"The reason birds can fly and we can't is simply because they have perfect faith, for to have faith is to have wings." ― J. M. Barrie, The Little White Bird_

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**i.**

Darling, you may be a Slytherin but you'll never shine as jade as they do.

You sit there with your harlequin smile, wearing your icy mask but your eyes betray you – your eyes of **raining down earth**, which drums a pattern of _compassion_ and _twisted_ onto the **ground** – you're ambitious and sly, even, but you'll never be as _glorious_ as them. If there's one word to describe you, it is _forgotten – _you are the boy who is **grounded** to the Earth: the boy who is destined to fade into history.

Sirius Black is the opposite of forgettable – Sirius Black dares to climb the **sky**, he is daring, Slytherin and _wild_ and, he wants _you – _Sirius Black wants to feel the **Earth** beneath his feet again and perhaps, you are his best chance of doing so.

You finally feel like you can taste the sky.

You are sat together, on the **rolling grass**: a cigarette is dangling from his pale hands; a carefree grin stretches across his face.

"Want a drag, Remmie?" he smirks, his words stretching out into an endless haze of harlequin, "Or still stuck on that pathetic dying young thing?"

He blows a cloud of emerald smoke into the air and you frown.

"I thought you wanted to 'live forever'."

"Living forever doesn't mean never dying – it means your name existing eternally. Don't you want to make history books?"

For once, you have nothing to say in return, so you just lie back in the **grass** and long for the day that you can claim the heavens.

**ii.**

In life, Sirius was always **_blazing_ **– he was an **inferno** that promised to **rage** on forever and ever.

When you find him, he is stone cold.

He doesn't return to your dormitory that night – the dark shadows that clutch his bed seem to grow longer by the second. By morning, worry has consumed your heart like **fire** and you go for a walk in the grounds.

You find him, slumped, against a tree trunk, an empty bottle of Firewhiskey and **cigarette** butts at his side. His skin is icy cold and white: you know, even before you feel his heartbeat that he is not with you anymore.

You are _over._

You feel your heart **exploding**, sending **burning** shards of lost love around your body - Sirius stood too close to the **fire** and he got **burnt** beyond repair and, you took a risk and you stood too close to him and, now, as your blood has turned to **molten** pain, you know you got **burnt** as well.

(You'd **burn** a hundred times over if it would bring Sirius back.)

**iii.**

It's ironic that you always resented being forgettable and now all you want is to fade back into the shadows. Now, you are the Slytherin with the lost lover and the shattered eyes and **whispers brush** through the **air**, following you wherever you go.

Your place of peace is the top of the Astronomy Tower – where all you have for company is the distorted whispers of the **wind** and Sirius' last remaining cigarette.

You are standing on the precipice of the tower, blowing a faded cloud of jade smoke and watching it being **carried** **away**.

As the end of the cigarette glows cherry red, it almost feels like Sirius is by your side again. You imagine what you would say if he was here – you imagine lost whispers about living forever and climbing the sky; of silver eyes and green smoke; harlequin smiles and stolen kisses.

"S-S-Sirius, w-why did you leave me?"

The **wind's** **embrace** almost feels like his mouth trailing along your collarbone again and, your heart aches with emptiness – you inch even closer to the edge and you wonder if you could survive the **fall**.

(You hope you won't.)

You **toss** your still-glowing cigarette off the edge and you watch it slowly fade and **float** towards the ground and you pray that you will burn out that easily. You spread your **wings** and you hope that they'll fail you.

**iv**.

You awake to a **cool** hand on your face and a **fluid** voice snaking its way into your ear.

"You made it," he says and you swear that the **Red Sea** parts again, because suddenly, your world has split in two.

"I did," you whisper.

Silver tears seem to be slowly **running** down Sirius' pale cheeks.

"Remus, living forever means _forever_ here – it's not just another empty promise so, what do you say?" he asks, and his smile **stretches** on in a **stream** of always and you swear you can't see it ending.

You hold out your hand and he takes it and he leads you away to your own little slice of eternity.

You are his, again and you will never be anything else.


	4. Amaranth

**Title: **Amaranth (4/4)

**Pairing: **Gryffindor!Roxy/Lily

**Author: **Cassie (our dancing days)

**Notes: **Finally, we come to the last piece in this collection - our piece de resistance, if you will! I used the prompts _tears; forgive me; _and the quote you see below. Ella and I have absolutely loved this, and we sincerely hope you enjoy!

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"_It's always easier to say goodbye when you know it's just a prelude to hello." - _Maureen Johnson.

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**i.**

Angel, who do you think you're fooling?

Some of these idiots buy the little-girl act, but they're not all stupid, darling, and they're gonna catch on real quick unless you get the hell out of here and **ground **yourself in the process. Even in all that Gryffindor glory, you're still clinging to the **cliff face, **hoping not to fall.

The trick is to know when you've been beaten.

Did you think she would save you?

"We can't-" she mouths against your lips and you roll your eyes. Roxy is all hesitation and family pride, caught between a **rock **and a hard place, and sometimes it's refreshing. Sometimes it's just dull. Her amaranth lips form more words but you don't catch them. Her groan is strangled and you laugh. _Forgive me._

"What? A cat got your tongue?"

And so you push your tongue inside the **cavern **of her mouth and pretend she's not a **cave **for you to hide away.

**ii.**

She looks so defeated and you feel so _alive - _your skin tingles and **glows **with the promise of a fight. You were born to defy, Lily dearest.

"Am I not good enough for you?" you screech at her, but there is a smirk on your lips and **fire **in your fingertips and you want to hook your claws into her and bring her back to shore. She does not belong in the waves of her solitude; she does not deserve to drown in your **flames.**

Roxy does not answer.

Her sketchbook lies open on the table and it is all _you - _but it is you in **amaranth **and you with horns and **Hell **has never looked so pretty, you are sure. _Forgive me, Roxy._

The next page is a note - sketched inside a little blue envelope. It says _goodbye_.

She opens her mouth again, but no words come out; her tongue battles against her brain and she screams. She screams injustice and she screams **fire. **It is **firewood **and **matches **and you don't have the energy needed to set her **alight. **Her tears aren't enough to let you hold her.

"I'm done," you whisper. She doesn't blink._ Please, dear god, forgive me._

"Did you hear me, you fucking freak? I'm _done! _I can't - I don't - I don't love you anymore and would you just _look_ at me?" You have doused her **inferno **with poison; she won't **burn **again.

**iii.**

You think what you really need is someone to whisper sweet nothings into your ear; you want someone to tell you how their **breath **catches in their throat every time they see you, how the **breeze **moves your hair when you walk, how pretty you look when you break a promise -

But then again, Roxy draws you pictures of angels' **wings, **and she shows you what your **smile** looks like on those mornings when you can't **breathe. **She draws what tears look like in your eyes and she rubs them out.

She draws you and you **fly.**

And now you sit atop the Astronomy tower, cigarette in hand, and you wish that the **smoke **would **suffocate **you into living. You are not worth her pain. _Forgiveforgiveforgive-_

Even in all your Gryffindor glory, you are still a disappointment. Your **airy **mother still can't see past the track marks on your skin and convictions on your tongue, and your father can't see past the amaranth of your hair and how naming his children Lily and James was tempting fate.

(In some ways, you love him more than her.)

You. Are. Not. Natural.

And most of all, you are not hers.

**iv.**

Sweetheart, I think you let her **drown **under the weight on her shoulders. And somehow, you let her think she wasn't worth every earthquake, every burn, every gasp for air, every goddamned **tear. **

But she is the amaranth **blood** running through your veins and you don't want to spill a **drop. **

Every half-decent relationship starts like smoking: it starts off like **poison, **but you are draw to it, because you are intrigued. You begin to tolerate it, then, even like it. Suddenly you crave it and it makes up your whole being - every scar on your tarnished lungs**, **every scattered beat of your heart that draws oxygen in from your tattered throat, and you think -

_This is love._

_So forgive me. _

Maybe your kisses will not be formed of half-breaths and the **gloss **on her lips; maybe she will never say that she loves you and maybe she will never say anything at all. But she looks at you, wide eyes with unshed **tears, **and she mouths the words. _Forgive you. _

You mouth back, _hello._

She will never whisper sweet nothings, or tell you pretty poems about the **oceans **in your eyes, but you know what? She'll draw you a halo, darling.


End file.
